Drinkin Buddies
by Cack
Summary: Naruto and Sasuke get drunk... OR DO THEY! A parody of all those "characters get drunk, act wacky" fanfics. Spot the Tenacious D refrence and give yourself a pat on the back!


Naruto walked quickly to Sasuke's house, trying carefully to not let his plastic bag full of cold beer shake too much. He remembered how easy it was to buy it all, a simple Sexy no Jutsu, complete with Daisy Dukes jeans and a belly shirt and the cashier was too busy drooling to ask for an ID. He left the store with three 6-packs and figured that Sasuke would definitely want to drink. At the least he would be able to persuade Sasuke to drink one, and then he figured it would be easy to make him keep drinking. Naruto was grinning ear-to-ear as he pounded on Sasuke's door. A moment later and Sasuke himself answered.

"You... what the hell do you want? Its late out and Kakashi expects us to be up early tomorrow."

"Sasuke, check it out! I bought us some beer!" Naruto said cheerfully, while lifting the plastic bag.

"I really don't care." he replied, trying to close the door. Naruto, however, already had his foot in and was able to shoulder past Sasuke. He flinched slightly under Sasuke's angry glare.

"Look, just drink one and I promise I'll leave." Naruto half begged half suggested.

"Why should I have to do that to get you out of my house?"

"Come on!" Naruto snapped a can out from its plastic holder, "you know you want it." He racked his mind for a 'why' to that statement, but was then surprised when Sasuke swiped the can, popped it open, then chugged the whole thing down. He stood a moment, licking the inside of his mouth.

"Stuff's pretty good." he admitted. He looked at Naruto, grinning and holding the bag up.

"Alright, fine, but just a few." Sasuke said, leading Naruto in.

A few hours and eight beers a piece later...

Naruto and Sasuke were laughing hysterically. Sasuke had whipped up a Beer-Funnel and the last one Naruto did went mostly up his nose, causing him to cough violently and spill the rest on himself.

"Yo, gimme another one before you waste it all on yer-self." Sasuke slurred.

"Ya damn lush..." Naruto said as he picked up one of the few remaining beers up. He then pulled back and threw it like a baseball at Sasuke. Sasuke, poorly, dodged the projectile and watched at it hit the wall, hard. They both laughed.

"Hey, where's the damn phone?" Naruto asked.

"In the kitchen. Why dawg?"

"Yo man, crank calls." Naruto replied, with a grin forming on his face.

"Ah no way dawg, no way!" Sasuke said, laughing, but showing Naruto the way to the phone. Once there, Naruto started dialing.

"Who you callin', dawg?"

"I'm callin' Lee, and shh!" Naruto said as someone picked up on the other end.

"H-hello?" a sleepy Rock Lee answered.

"Yo man, 'sup?" Naruto asked. Sasuke covered his mouth so stop from giggling.

"Na-Naruto? Why are you calling? What time is it?"

"Look, Lee, this is-"

"-do you know how late it-"

"-I love you." Naruto interrupted him. There was a long silence before Lee replied.

"You, you love me?" he asked, confused.

"Yep, I love ya man." Naruto confirmed, matter-of-factly.

"Well, uh, I uh..."

"What about me, man? You love me?" Sasuke had curled up on the floor, hugging himself to stop from laughing out loud.

"I, well, I LIKE you, not like-like you, you're my friend and all but- what?" Lee stopped talking when he heard Naruto's laughter.

"Ohhh man you passed Lee, you passed!" Naruto said.

"Passed? What happened...?"

"The Friendship Test man. I was checkin' to see which way you swung."

"So... this whole call...?"

"Just pullin' your chain man!"

"You, you don't love me...?" Lee asked, somewhat hurt.

"I GOT YOU, FUCKER!" Naruto yelled into the phone and then slammed it down on the receiver. He then fell over and was rolling on the ground next to Sasuke, laughing like a mad man.

"Dude, dude you gotta -pant-you gotta do one..." Naruto said, gasping for air.

"Naw dawg, I ain't no good man you do another one. Do Sakura man!"

"Dude, she'll hang up on me, she hates me man. But if YOU call..." Sasuke broke into a grin on Naruto's comment.

"Here dawg, let's do it like this..." Naruto whispered in a conspiratorial tone.

Sakura was jolted awake by the phone ringing. She rubber her blurry eyes and glanced at her clock. 1 A.M. On the second ring she quickly got out of bed and walked quickly to the phone, hoping that it wasn't some kind of emergency. She picked it up before the third ring.

"Haruna Residence." she said tiredly.

"Sakura," Sasuke said in a deadly serious voice, "I need you." Sakura's hear skipped a beat.

"N-need me? Why, what's wrong?"

"I need your help," Sasuke's voice had a tone of begging in it, "I need you to tell me something."

"Yes?" she breathed.

"I need to know... where is a girl's clitoris?"

"It- what?" she said in a very flat tone. Before she got an answer, she heard a female moan on Sasuke's end.

"Shh, she's still on the phone!" Sasuke said to someone.

"Sasuke, who is..." Sakura began.

"Sasuke, please don't keep me waiting!" The voice of Sakura's best friend and rival Ino spoke.

"You, you bastard..." Sakura said, tears welling in her eyes.

"Uhhh, gotta go babe!" Sasuke said, hanging up the phone. Sakura listened to the dial tone for a few moments before slowly hanging up and wiping her eyes. She refused to believe that Sasuke had Ino over. She went to her room to change and confront him about this.

"Ohhhhhh shit we got her good!" Ino said, who suddenly turned into Naruto after finishing his transformation jutsu. "Damn man, this is my new favorite jutsu."

"Dude, I think that was pretty harsh. She sounded upset." Sasuke said, some doubt in his mind.

"Don't worry about it dude. Let's do Ino now!" Naruto transformed into Sakura, then made an orgasmic moan. Sasuke grinned then dialed her number.

Midway on her walk to Sasuke's house, Sakura literally bumped into Ino. They stared at one another in an accusing fashion before turning away from each other, arms folded.

"Well, going home from Sasuke's, huh?" Sakura said nastily.

"You're one to talk." Ino growled back.

"Just like a whore, he kicked you out when he was done with you, won't even let you sleep in the same bed with him?" Sakura said.

"What are you talking about?" Ino said, turning to face Sakura's back, "YOU were the one at his house like some kind of late-night hooker!"

"Excuse me?!" Sakura wheeled about to face Ino, "YOU were the one moaning like a bitch in heat when he called me asking about the..." she faltered, blushing a bit.

"...about the, uh... cli-"

"Yes!" Sakura cut her off. The tension between them slowly died down.

"We were played." Ino said.

"Yes." Sakura replied.

"We must kill him."

"Yes."

Naruto and Sasuke were lounging about the living room, slumped against the walls. They were both looking at the last beer.

"It's all yours." Naruto said.

"No way, I'm full. You have it." Sasuke replied.

"Me too... hey, wanna feed it to Kiba's dog, see it get all fucked up man?"

"That's animal cruelty dawg. I think." Sasuke replied.

"We can't just waste it." Naruto said. They both started thinking about something amusing to do with the last can. Naruto looked from the beer, then the funnel, then back to the beer, then Sasuke. A smile lit his face.

"I got an idea."

At that moment, Ino and Sakura had arrived at Sasuke's home. There was ill intent burning in their eyes. Sakura stepped up to the door and pounded on it. Sasuke didn't answer.

"He's probably asleep, the jerk." Ino said. She reached for the doorknob, but was surprised when it fully turned. Ino pushed the door open with out any resistance. Her and Sakura looked at one another, slightly confused, but then walked in, determined to get their revenge. They heard a noise coming from the living room. They slowly entered, and then froze at the sight they saw. Sakura gasped.

"OK, this totally isn't what it seems like." Naruto said.

In the living room Sasuke was bend over, pants-down, reaching for the floor. On one ass cheek was an unopened can of beer. Behind him, Naruto was holding the Beer-Funnel, with the tube about to go places that no man has gone before.

"What the HELL is going on here?!" Sakura screamed, as Ino was seemingly paralyzed from shock.

"We, uh, had a few beers, one thing led to another..." Naruto tried to explain. Sasuke fell to the side, the can rolling across the floor to the girls. He started tugging his pants up.

"Magic Ass Tricks..." he mumbled as an explanation. The can bumped against Sakura's foot. She picked it up and a look of disgust crossed her face as she read the can.

"You, you IDIOTS! This is non-alcoholic!" she thrust the can in Naruto's face, pointing to a red label proclaiming such. Naruto then fainted. Among all other things, it was rather impressive. No swaying, no intake of breath, just one moment he was vertical, the next moment he was falling backwards, stopping only momentarily as his head hit the corner of a coffee table.

"Magic Ass Tricks..." whimpered Sasuke.

The next day, Team 7 were waiting for Kakashi to arrive. Naruto and Sasuke kept avoiding one another's glaces, while Sakura refused to look at either of them.

"Hello!" Kakashi began cheerfully, "I was on the way when I noticed- did I miss something?" he asked, noting the obvious air of unease around the group.

"Nothing is wrong!" Sakura said, taking Kakashi by the hand and leading him away, "Let's go on our next mission." He passively followed her, still trying to sort things out. Naruto and Sasuke lingered behind.

"Look," Naruto spoke, "because we thought we were drunk, technically that made-"

"Graaaahh ahh AHHHHH!" Sasuke yelled to stop Naruto from talking walked after Sakura and Kakashi.

Elsewhere...

Lee was hugging his knees at the base to a tree, crying rivers of tears.

"What's wrong with you, Lee?" Gai asked, concern in his voice. When Lee didn't answer, he looked to TenTen and Neji, who could only shrug. "He's been like this since we got here," TenTen said.

In a voice too low to be heard, Lee said; "No one loves me..."

The End!


End file.
